Let me be honest: I haven’t been doing very well lately. I dropped out of my marketing degree (but might pick it back up), I’ve been out of a job and unable to get financial support so far, meaning I owe two months rent to my flatmates. I haven’t paid my phone bill this month. I technically can’t afford to eat. The suicidal thoughts have returned a few times.
I haven’t been lazy. I’m working a lot. I’m busy a lot. However, it’s all volunteering – and while everything I touch seems to turn to gold in those areas, that gold really doesn’t pay the bills. It’s more like chocolate coins while you’re on a diet. Or a diabetic. Or one of those crazy people who doesn’t like chocolate.
For the entirety of 2017 it’s felt like I’ve been running through a never ending maze for some fictional cheese somewhere down the line, but instead the walls have just been moving closer and the options been getting fewer, and I feel like I’m running in circles. I let people convince me I probably didn’t want to move away and live in the mountains of Bulgaria. I let my principles slide and gave up my vegetarianism while still calling myself one. But I also forgot something much grander. I forgot what made me happy and focused last year. I forgot what allowed me to thrive and live deliberately. I tried to fill the void with stuff.
I didn’t sleep tonight.
At first I watched “Fargo” (a guy ruins his life and a bunch of people die because he needs money for who knows what) with a friend who pointed out all the geeky trinkets I had standing and hanging around my tiny room – and of course I knew they were there. But suddenly they were everywhere. She went home and I went on to watching “The Big Short” (an amazingly well-made movie about the coming of the Great Recession of the late 2000’s). I then watched a documentary on the JFK shooting for some reason. And then I watched “Minimalism: A Documentary About The Important Things” made by the amazing guys over at theminimalists.com, Joshua and Ryan.
A friend introduced me to them a year or two ago and when I embraced minimalism last year, it changed everything. I found so much passion, energy and motivation. But somehow I left it behind and decided to decorate my room a lot. A lot lot.
The sun had started rising when the documentary was over and I knew what I needed to do.
In the first episode of “Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency”, Dirk Gently says to the slightly depressed protagonist portrayed by Elijah Wood:
For far too long, you’ve been making choices out of desperation.
It was weeks ago I watched it, but that sentence stuck with me. Ruminated in my mind. And this morning, as the sun rose, I got out of bed and decided to stop it. I’m gonna run backwards in the maze. I’m gonna smash through the walls. I’m in control of this shit.
It’s time to get deliberate again.
The sun had risen when I had filled a black bag with all the clothes I don’t wanna wear anyway.
When I had taken down all those pointless pictures of my walls.
When I’d removed the quirky bunting and pointless fairy lights.
I’m writing this at 7 in the morning with the fresh spring air entering my room, and I’m not at all done cleaning up. But I might allow myself to sleep now.
I’m getting back in control. I’m gonna finish my bachelor’s degree. I’m gonna pay off my debts.
I’m not sure I want to run away still. But I definitely want to be ready.
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